Saturday, April 21, 2012

Just A Regular Coffee, Please

This post is so ludicrous, I feel like I just have to share it here and here   and here and  here and here

Hop on over there, after you read this, and see what else people have to share!

Alas, the ipad is back in my mother's hands and out of mine and I am not too sad.  My father is a little surprised that I don't love the ipad because he loves all that is Apple.

Ahhh, spacing.  See that?  There's a space between the last little paragraph and this one.  On the ipad, I can't make spaces appear in blogger, so it really puts a cramp in my blogging style.  And, don't tell k-ster, but since 99.5% of my time spent at a computer is related to blogging, I don't need any more cramps in my style than I already have.

Ahh, space again.

Anyspace, back to my post.

I spent the first 4 days of my school vacation at my sister a-ster's house.  It's nice to go there and not really have plans.  L-ster is almost a year old and is very busy standing and crawling.   She's still taking 2 naps a day, so we didn't make too many plans to do stuff.  And I was fine with that.  Plus it was 85 degrees one day and that was way too hot too soon for me, so I was fine to just loll about on the blanket in the back yard while supervising l-ster in a heat induced coma.

The last day I was there, we went to the zoo.  I get a kick out of the zoo, especially because it's free, so there's no pressure to be there for any length of time.  We were there for a couple of hours and then on the way out, we thought it would be nice to get a coffee from Starbucks.

When I'm on vacation, summer vacation or one during the year, I tend to drink iced coffee in the afternoon.  Around here, my choices are limited, so it's either my house special thanks to the Keurig, or Dunkin Donuts.

I am not familiar with the workings of Starbucks.  In fact, the only Starbucks I have been in was in Paris in February and it was incident free, as I expected this would be.

A-ster sat outside with l-ster and I went in to get her a soy latte and a drink for myself.  I intended to get an iced coffee, but when I walked in the door, I remembered that I once had a Starbucks Frappucino in a bottle (from the grocery store, those nasty things you can buy) that later was possibly the cause of the only food poisoning I've ever experienced.  I have a thing about food that might have been involved in making me sick, so I immediately was not interested in a cold coffee beverage from Starbucks.

I should have left at that point.

Instead, I thought I'd have a hot coffee.  With cream and sugar.  While I make my coffee at home black for the most part, I do like actual cream and sugar in mine when I'm buying it.

So, I walked up to the counter and ordered a tall soy latte with no incident.  I thought that would be the tricky order.  And then I tried to order myself some coffee.

If they just had normal sizes (small, medium, large, this would be a lot easier).

Me:  And a regular tall latte for me, you know, with cream and sugar.

Barista:  Umm, you mean you want syrup?

Me:  Syrup?  No, I want cream and sugar.

Barista:  Do you mean like packets of sugar?

Me:  Oh, do I do it?  Do I have to put the sugar in myself?  Is that what you mean?  (I swear, I was not shrieking this, or trying to look distressed but I wonder if she thought I was going to freak out)

Barista:  Um, well, um, like packets?  Do you want packets of sugar?  Or syrup?

Again, I should have taken the soy latte and left at that point.  I briefly scanned the room to see if I was missing the little station where maybe I do my own cream and sugar, but I was blinded by the "packets or syrup" thing, so I didn't see anything.

Me:  Ok, I don't want any of your stinkin' syrups, no flavors, just cream and sugar.  Now, do I have to do it or do you?

Barista:  (very patiently explaining) We have syrups, is that what you mean?  Like our classic syrup?  That doesn't have any flavoring.

Me:  Classic?  What is it?

Barista:  It's like liquid sugar.

Me:  Ok, fine.  Liquid sugar and cream.  In my latte.

So, she writes something on a cup for me, writes the S for soy latte on a cup and then puts the cups to the side.  For the imaginary person next to her to deal with them I guess, because she turned and helped the next customer while I stood there like a fool.

The next customer just got an unsweetened iced coffee and left in like 2 seconds.  Like I should have.

Then it was just me again.  With my outrageous order of cream and sugar.  That the Barista should get for me.

Since the imaginary coffee pourer/latte  maker didn't appear, now the girl had to deal with me.  So she made the soy latte, no problem.

Then it was time for mine.  My "cream and sugar" with the liquid sugar syrup.  And the cream that was going into a latte?  I was only thinking that it should not take like 20 minutes when I am only one of 2 customers in the store.  And that I really should have ordered a cold coffee because this hot one will take forever to cool.

So, she starts pumping the liquid sugar and I hear it sputtering like it's the end of the bottle, so now she has to get another one.  Now the imaginary person DOES appear and she says something about "this lady wants classic syrup" and then I didn't hear the rest but I am sure it involved a good chuckle in the back.

Classic syrup appeared but the bottle was too full, so she had to pour some down the drain.  WHAT????  She manages to reassemble the pump and squirts in some more and then the fun begins.  Now she has to add cream to my latte.  I guess.  Because I heard her frothing something.  And then she was kind of bumping around looking for a spoon to hold back the froth and then she did some more finagling back there.

Finally, she handed me the soy latte and then stumbled over what she was going to call mine.  And she added that she didn't know if it was sweet enough, but if I needed more liquid sugar, to let her know.  I heard like 5 pumps go into that cup, so I was sure it would be sweet enough.  Especially since it's liquid sugar and it's likely hundreds of times sweeter than any packet could ever be.

What a great disappointment it turned out to be!  Mostly milk!  In a latte.  Go figure~!

As I was explaining my annoyance at all that went on and how it took so loong, a-ster was rolling on the floor that I asked the girl to do cream and sugar for me.

That's not how it's done at Starbucks and she should know, because she lived on the west coast for a decade.  She played out for me what the conversation was probably like between the Baristas when I left--- remember the one who made me put cream and sugar in it for her????  What a princess!

And it was only then, as I said the word latte out loud that I realized I should not have asked for cream in my latte.

In my confusion, in the world where tall is small and vente doesn't mean #20, I was thinking latte just meant coffee.  I forgot about the milk part of the latte.  I was so confused by all of the lingo. 

And I'm usually so good with languages.

I should have ordered a drip coffee, a-ster now tells me.

And I should have just gone to Dunkin Donuts.

And just so we're clear that I am not alone in my Starbucks nightmare, look at what I found on another site!!

19 comments:

  1. You didn't say you ordered a latte!! Haha. That is even funnier. Lattes are made with milk and sometimes people ask for 2%, 1%, or nonfat but I'm sure she's NEVER had someone ask for MORE fat. Ahahaha. I'm dying.

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    1. That's why I have no business ever returning to a Starbucks!

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  2. i had a similar incident - but i was pregnant so it ended in hysterical sobs. consider yourself lucky with how this ended :)

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  3. This is my favorite post from finding the funnies today! I love how you told the story - on yourself. It made me laugh out loud. Hey Starbucks is daunting, no matter how many times you have been there!

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  4. I have only got the frozen lattes from Dunkin Donuts before. Too funny, I bet you are laughing now tho :)
    If it makes you feel better, I probably would have done the same thing! I am so used to getting coffee myself.

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    1. I am so laughing now. Every time I go and reread it, I crack up. All that fancy education and I can't even order a cup of coffee. You all do reread your own posts sometimes, right? RIGHT?? I'm not the only one who rereads my own work and then falls down laughing at my own words, RIGHT?????

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  5. Came over from My Life and Kids, and I am so glad I did! This made me LAUGH so hard! Because, seriously, I cannot order coffee from Starbucks either. I always wind up getting hot chocolate, since it seems to be the least likely order to make me feel like an idiot...I am still thrown by the size chart, though! ;)

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  6. I'm pretty sure if they just had normal sizes (small, med, large) people would feel like they are qualified to actually order in that place. Their silly terms for sizing just sets everyone on edge and then people don't know what to do!

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  7. Hi,
    My first time here (came by way of reading your comment on some money-flower post on another blog) and I just have to comment! This is hilarious. I'm already having a mild cough and you make me cough more laughing. Not that I've ordered myself fancy coffee from starbucks... Better luck next time *wink*

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    1. Ha ha! Great, now I've caused an asthma attack!!

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  8. Oh how hysterical! I didn't come across this! OMG....My hubby is not alone! I was laughing at you ordering cream IN YOUR LATTE!!...OMG....Seriously...almost too much for me to take!

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  9. AND BTW...I am sharing this on fb....

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  10. Go ahead, I totally own my Starbucks ignorance. My sister, who lived in Seattle for a decade, was just rolling on the floor that I was mad at the girl who was so put out that I was demanding such crazy things! I am so excited to see that someone else needed to know what tall, venti, etc means. What a dumb company!!! Call a small a small and a coffee a coffee and just get it overwith!

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  11. Haha- you should have seen me order today. I kept messing up over and over. It was quite funny. Hence, I go to D and D mostly- simple and easy!

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  12. HA! Too funny. I'm reading this and thinking ... a latte? With cream? Huh? I worked at Starbucks at one point and I'm not sure what I have done with your request. Hee hee!

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  13. LOL. I hate going to Starbucks, just too much effort and I feel like a total dipshit because they don't know what I want.
    They just never get my cafe mocha late valium vodka right...

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  14. LOL!!!! All through your post I was saying, you get to say cream and sugar at Duncan Donuts. I only like cream in mine so at Duncan Donuts I get, "You only want cream?" "You don't want any sugar?" "No sugar is that right?" And I've learned not to go through the drive thru because they don't ask me three times, they just give me sugar anyway. Now let me see if I can point you to another post that will make you laugh your sock off - hope I find it - hold on... FOUND IT
    http://www.wrinkledmommy.com/2012/10/starbucks-101/ Enjoy - I love her posts.

    Anyway I am visiting you from the Sensible Moms linkup. Nice to meet you.

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  15. One more thing. I have my speech prepared when I go to a Starbucks. "I'll have a tall coffee of the day please." No questions asked. Now if they could just be consistent about where they keep the CREAM without me walking around looking ridiculous like I don't know how to do Starbucks.

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  16. I can't order coffee to save my life. Great post. Thanks for linking up. Erin

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